THE FOLLOWING IS EXCERPTED FROM MSN MONEY, and, much as I hate to say it, constitutes something a lot more people should learn for their own good. And anyone who thinks I'm being unkind by this can ki--never mind.
How to say NO! to anything -- or anyone
Pushy salesmen, relentless kids, mooching friends . . . it's time we learned how to say no. If you can't, you may find your money drained along with your time and emotional energy.
Among the financial skills we should learn early in life -- but usually don't -- is the ability to say no.
Saying no is essential if we want to stick to a budget, make progress toward our financial goals and protect our credit. Yet we also want to preserve relationships with many of the people, including loved ones, who are trying to get us to say yes.
For help in navigating the minefield, I turned to several experts to create scripts for handling three common situations that call for saying no: When your kids throw a tantrum, when you're dealing for a car and when a friend asks you for money.
One of these experts, Joseph Grenny, provided a general framework for dealing with any situation where you must turn someone down. Grenny, a co-author of "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior," recommends the following steps:
Take a minute to think. The person who's making the request (or demand) probably spent a lot of time mulling over all the reasons why you should acquiesce. You, on the other hand, may have been hit out of the blue. You can put up your hand, say "I need a moment" or even walk into another room to collect your thoughts.
Don't make a sucker's choice. In our panic, we may think we have to choose between two bad alternatives: "I have to give her a loan, or she'll never speak to me again!" or "I have to buy this car with add-ons I don't want, or I'll lose a great deal!" (Professional salespeople and practiced mooches are, by the way, experts in backing people into this either/or mind-set.) The reality is that we usually have far more alternatives than we initially think. Taking a moment to consider those, and what we really want out of the situation, can keep us from grabbing a bad choice.
Go public. As soon as you can, tell the other person where you stand. This is also known as "articulating your boundaries," and tells the listener that "you're now driving the conversation," Grenny said. Instead of responding to their arguments, you're setting out what you will and won't do. Most petitioners "will see the answer coming" once you've gone public, and if you stick to your guns will shorten or end their attempts to persuade you. "Don't just say no," Grenny said. "Soften the blow by telling them why." Make it clear that your reasons aren't a personal reflection on the petitioner, but are instead solidly held beliefs.
Turn the situation around. Here you're encouraging your petitioner to solve his or her own problem, while offering to help in any way that doesn't violate the bottom line you've set out.
Want to see how this works in practice? Here are some examples:
You're asked for a loan or to co-sign for one You want to say no. You know that if the person were actually creditworthy, he or she would have no trouble getting loans from banks or other lenders.
But how do you refuse without imploding the relationship? By making it "not personal," Grenny said. After you've paused to gather your thoughts, and remembered that you have more options besides giving in or getting taken, you can use any or all of the following to communicate, "it's not you -- it's me":
"Co-signing a loan means putting my credit at risk, and I can't afford to do that."
"My spouse and I have agreed not to lend any more money to family and friends. We've had relationships go sour over money, and we wouldn't want that to happen with you."
"I've got clear financial and relationship boundaries I don't want to cross."
"I'm really not in a financial position to do that right now."
"I don't want to be put in the position of being a collection agent. I know that probably wouldn't happen with you, but I can't take the chance."
Any of these, if said in a calm, neutral voice, communicate that your decision has been made. Then, if appropriate, follow up quickly by asking the petitioner for help in solving his or her own problem. For example:
"How can I help you without putting money at risk I can't afford to lose or putting myself in the role of a collection agent?'
"Is there a way we can help you without lending money or endangering our credit?"
Someone with chronic spending or debt problems may need an appointment with a legitimate credit counselor, for example, and you could recommend an agency affiliated with the National Foundation for Credit Counseling. Someone who wants money for other goals -- a car or an education, perhaps -- could be referred to articles about achieving those goals on MSN Money.
An auto salesperson is pressuring you Being able to say no -- and mean it -- isn't just helpful when negotiating a car purchase. It's essential, says Philip Reed, consumer advice editor for auto research site Edmunds.com.
"The most effective way of saying no is saying it with your feet" by leaving the dealership when you don't get what you want, said Reed, author of "Strategies for Smart Car Buyers." "Some people say you should leave at least twice" before agreeing to buy a car.
You don't necessarily have to resort to that level of gamesmanship, Reed said, but you should find a salesperson who can take no for an answer.
"Car buying is a very expensive purchase with a lot of moving parts. . . . You need to be comfortable with your salesperson," Reed said. "You don't want someone who, when you say no, says, 'Well, why not?' or 'Didn't I tell you about this or that?' "
Using statements that can't really be argued, like "That's not my taste" or "I just don't want that," can help you fend off an aggressive salesperson, but a better solution is "if you're feeling uncomfortable, find someone else who understands no means no."