After a bit more consultation, and some fresh ideating blood with regard to why I'm not where I should be, and probably never have been, it's generally accepted now that my anxiety is as big an issue as my ADHD, if not bigger. Which, of course, begs the question, is it this way generally? Have we grown so frazzled as a society that it's almost impossible to keep your head? Could it be that I really AM just in the wrong place being near Detroit? I ask a lot of questions, I haven't gotten a lot of answers, except for ones that may serve me better down the road. And it's not like I'm even necessarily worried about what's there, having started on this path, I know that things can indeed probably change suitably. I pondered the idea, in thinking about why things are the way they are, that being above a certain level of intellect just flat-out puts you out of the mainstream as a person. How you respond to that matters, as does how you are responded to. I spent a good portion of my childhood feeling either like a sideshow freak, on the basis of what I did know, or an afterthought, on the basis of how I felt I was being regarded, which is to say, in many instances, I WASN'T being regarded. Self-sufficiency, and trying more to stay the hell AWAY from people became my mantra, for the simple sake that there wasn't much positive outside my own accomplishments.
Kudos to Cheryl, my stepmother, for having the guts to care about my well-being, such as she was able in the midst of dealing with whatever issues SHE has known in her life, and continues to deal with, with regard to my dad. I was a teenager when she first stepped in, and obviously a rebellious one at that. I know my escapades probably made her life a living hell. But with a head as unclear as mine has ever been, I count myself lucky to have gotten to 42 years of age without jail time in my past. I've wrecked a few cars, had my share of close calls, gotten fired more times than I really wanna think about, all while trying to rationalize this all, in the name of keeping my sanity. The bottom line, of course, is that I have come to realize that there's no way in hell I want to, or should have to, go through life on my own; it's simply NOT the most productive way of doing things. But what's one to do when you DON'T really fit in the system? Hide? With almost 7 billion bodies on this planet, there's little chance of that happenening, and probably hasn't been since the fall of Cro-Magnon man. So I deal; through ADHD and anxiety drugs, or whatever, and try to fit in wherever I'm gonna. The big problem, of course, is figuring out where that is. Teaching is promising, but has it's limits and will indeed require further development on my part. Going back to being a car guy? Funny, but I think that's getting to be an iffier proposition by the day, and one best reserved for what I LIKE to do. Stay tuned.