A lot of thoughts have kind of emerged lately, ones that I thought I, or people around me were all familiar with. Apparently, my attitude seems a bit blase to some people, and by analogy, some have compared it to "rich kid" syndrome; a rich kid's attitude is that nothing will ever go wrong, or everything will be alright, because it always has. Behind all the machinations keeping everything alright, though, was money. Enough money to pay bills, buy out problems, do whatever needed to be done. Not so with me. If I seem unconcerned about some things, I have lived in a manner, particularly in the last 10 years or so, where it just takes a lot to faze me, frankly. Which is not, of course, to say it hasn't been done, but when you've been hours away from death, started a whole new career on the other side of the world, and faced down some kids who in all likelihood would have just as soon killed you as looked at you, you do do tend to be a little jaded. Never mind working in special ed, and just thanking God that your own children have full physical, intellectual and emotional capacities. Taken in total, it makes the idea that any one thing, any one person, any one anything, could give your life meaning. Life is a cumulative, experiential, developmental lovely day, that in the cosmic scheme of things is far too short. As I said, it's not as though I don't have struggles, believe me, I have them by the bushel-basket full. On the upside, I have a wife who loves me, two daughters who want to have a relationship with me, (even if I am hard-pressed to make it happen the way I know they'd like,) and a job that, above all else, serves my world. I feel as though I am meaningful, even if I am extremely stressed. And I don't particularly enjoy being as stressed as I've been at times, but I suppose it goes along with that whole territory called life. I want to laugh, primarily, because I don't want to cry anymore. And in the quietest moments.....that's something I've also done a lot of. I wish everything were easier to manage, I wish I didn't have to consign some things to the periphery of my attention, while focusing fully on others. Doing so can be irritating, like a hair stuck in your glasses that you can't remove, and which flicks into your field of vision at the most inopportune times. But honestly...there's nothing in the experience of my life that I would change, with the possible exception of maybe knowing myself sooner. And not having spent so much money on that which is now useless, unremembered, or simply gone.