The wheels have been turning fast enough overall lately that keeping "traction" is kind of a trick. More than anything, more than in a lot of other years, probably, all I want for Christmas is a little peace of mind. A moment of knowing that the light at the end of the tunnel is not that of another oncoming train. Not feeling as though Wile E. Coyote is somehow vaguely heroic in his endeavors. Barring that, well, given that they now say that we've actually been in a recession in America pretty much since I returned from Korea, I'm happy to have made it this far, and actually feel as though I've been able to put all that expensive education to some da*ned use. I figure my dad is probably proud and happy, even given the state he's in. Could things be better? Always. Are they gonna happen any time soon? Probably not.

Martha and I went to church last Sunday, first of the Advent Season, for the Catholics and non-Catholics keeping score, and the sermon, delivered by our favorite Asian-Indian-born priest, was about being watchful for God, because of the fact that you never really know when He's coming. Ain't that the truth. I admit to being swept down far enough in life that any breeze delivered by the wings of God Almighty would probably be a boon. And then I remembered, as the priest was giving his sermon, that His truly chosen people don't have things any easier than Jesus ever did, and given that I haven't been physically persecuted yet, I probably am more blessed than I ever imagined. And holding just as fast to my own ideals as I could suppose Jesus or any of the disciples ever did. In ways I have been given much of what I ever asked for in life, perhaps not in the form I hoped for, but that seems to be common when dealing with God. I suppose He's just up in Heaven, saying to Himself, "I swear, those humans are just never gonna get it; I made them in My image, I gave them everything I figured they could handle, and still they go looking for more! Eh, well, what's a Loving Father to do?!" So inevitably, in the face of whatever might come my way, I can, and should, still be thanking Jesus that I'm here to experience it, and hope for more, as only man could. So, thank you, Lord Jesus, for my blessings, my troubles, my children and my students, in no particular order. Now could I at least rise out of the emotional and financial ditch that I managed to dig myself into in days passed? I'm trying to change here, I swear I am.

At this moment, I'm recalling that scene from the movie "Cool Hand Luke," where an escaped Luke manages to evade the dogs on his tail long enough to pray. He prays, as we are taught we should, with eyes closed; when he opens his eyes and looks over his head, he sees nothing but the roof of the church. And those are the moments when we feel it's only right that we should doubt the presence of a loving God, but the moments when we should most know He is present. A conundrum. A vortex of misunderstanding. Eh, well.....I'm only human.