I had something of an epiphany today, the likes of which I haven't experienced since the first time I ever read John 15:1-8 in The Bible. It's something like this, if you've never read it:

The Vine and the Branches 1"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."

The first time I read that passage, it was like a light clicked on in my head; I understood the relationship clearly between man, Jesus, and God. Don't misunderstand me, Ecclesiastes 9:11 is still my favorite passage in The Bible, but that passage in John was a major kick in the teeth to me. Ecclesiastes 9:11, by the way, goes:

I have seen something else under the sun:
The race is not to the swift
Nor the battle to the strong,
Nor does food come to the wise
Or wealth to the brilliant
Or favor to the learned;
But time and chance happen to them all.

I've started going to group therapy sessions, to deal with a lot of the issues that have been plaguing me for a while, so my life will be better. Today they presented a handout about the "Reasonable Mind," versus the "Emotional Mind," and it was kinda like the whack between the eyes a steer probably takes, just before he's turned into hamburger; only the implications are less dire than that. This is supposed to make things better. In the middle, (this is all done as a Venn diagram,) is what's labeled the "Wise Mind," which is reasonable, but, surprise, surprise, still allows the Emotional Mind to have some say. For those in the group who were having a hard time grasping the concept, I offered the idea of the Reasonable Mind being the one that would read Consumer Reports before buying a car, to find out what the best one would be for them. The Emotional Mind would buy a red Mazda Miata, even if they had a family of six. Damn the torpedoes. The Wise Mind, in the middle, would buy a red Honda Odyssey or something. A little something for both sides. Don't ask me how, in teaching, and learning to be a teacher, I didn't equate all this, but, CLICK! There goes the light bulb. Maybe it's just the graphic point. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm TRYING to solve my problems that's different. But this is a game-changer to me. It occurs to me that I have a hard time knowing where on the chart I'm at sometimes; do I operate more on emotion than I think I do, or have I just been so freakin' blind to everything for so many years, that knowing anything, really, would come as a shock? A reasonable mind wouldn't have stood there speechless as a 12-year-old, ogling the most beautiful car he'd ever seen in his short life the way some kids would gawk at a naked picture of Marilyn Monroe. (And, yes, I realize I'm dating myself now. Get over it.) A reasonable mind wouldn't spend money on things they couldn't even remember buying, or scream obscenities at the driver in front of them, who can't hear you, for better or worse, after feeling as though the other driver had done something totally inane. The notion was suggested that the big difference between the emotional and rational minds is, who are you thinking of? Are you thinking of the larger world? I've done that, and frequently what irritates me is the people who don't. Maybe that's more of it. The anger over other people's blase attitudes, particularly when I feel as though I've busted my a*s trying to do the right thing, and thus making myself tired as hell. At any rate, I think the net takeaway is to not let emotions pull every bit of line off your mental reel like a hooked Marlin.

Which is not to say that being emotional doesn't have it's up-sides; we're definitely better creators, but on the whole I'd still rather have had a guy like Chesley Sullenberger at the controls if my plane was going down, as opposed to a guy like me; more people woulda been dead, that's for certain. I'd still rather have never had problems paying my bills, although even that seems to be a game of chance these days. In all likelihood, I would have had fewer problems, had I spent less time glossing over things, for whatever reason. I'm still happy to be me; I didn't die at Auschwitz or Minsk, or fall off a building to my death, the way some of my relatives have. All in all, by comparison, my foibles have been relatively minor. Maybe what kills me is just not having made better choices in the past. But for better or worse, my life wouldn't be what it is today. And I'm still happy about a few things.