Monday, January 11, 2010

Okay, well, judging by the news, my southern friends and others are unfamiliar with some of the common-sense stuff we Yankees hafta deal with every winter. When kids die because they walked out on too-thin ice, this is a problem. To that end, the point with this column is to enlighten some of my friends from, like, Indiana southward, in the stuff we here in the rust belt take for granted.
1) If the top of the ice isn't TOTALLY frozen, don't take the chance of walking out onto it. It's too thin; like, WAY too thin. It will not support your weight. Meaning what? Meaning if you see anything that looks like water that's NOT frozen, DON'T GO OUT ON THE ICE! You'll die. Quick.
2) I've heard people who get confused about the old rule of "steering into" a skid. Real simple. If you're fish-tailing, (skidding,) and the rear end of your car is going right, steer right. If you're skidding left, steer left. and get your foot OFF the gas, unless you're driving a two-wheel-drive, rear-engined Porsche, which by all rights, you shouldn't be anyway. If you're driving a Carrera in the winter, you're bound to see God at some point anyway, so leave it in the garage and spare yourself (and your insurance company,) the aggravation. If you do the opposite, and steer left when skidding right, you're just destined to go in a big circle, and probably soil yourself at the very least.
3) If your car is equipped with anti-lock brakes, and you hear that (probably unfamiliar) sound of the ABS pump kicking in, (it's sort of like an intermittent buzzing sound, and the brake pedal will pulsate as well,) Just hold your foot down on the brake pedal, and the ABS will do it's job. You'll be able to steer, so you should be able to maintain control of your vehicle. If you're not so lucky, and DON'T have a car with ABS, (if you're unsure, just click the key to the "on" position and check the "idiot lights" in the gauge cluster; one of them should be (usually) amber-colored, and say "ABS" or something similar.) DON'T EVER slam on the brakes when it's slippery. Pump the brakes; the smoother you can do this, the better off you'll be.
4) If you're REALLY lucky, and have a vehicle equipped with Traction Control, or Stability Control these are systems that integrate the functions of ABS with acceleration or power control; most are designed so that on slippery surfaces, you can't accelerate too quickly; at least, you won't be able to accelerate quicker than you can stop. None the less, keep your speeds WAAAAAAAY down (I wouldn't recommend going more than maybe 25% of the speed you normally drive on a given stretch of road, especially on snow or ice.)
5) Give yourself at least three times as much room as you normally would to stop. On ice, rules number 4 nd 5 run in tandem. Slow down and give yourself as much room to stop as possible, unless you have a death wish.
6) If you're really, REALLY lucky, and have a vehicle equipped with all-wheel-drive or four-wheel-drive you're better off than people who don't have these things; but you're still not God. You will normally be able to go a little faster, and stop in a shorter distance, but this is still not the time to be probing the limits of your vehicle. As for what the difference is between all-wheel-drive and four-wheel-drive, four-wheel-drive has at the very least an on/off switch, if not a selector for range. If you have four-wheel-drive, normally you won't need your "4LO" range unless you're stuck, like, up to your axles in snow, or have managed to skid into a ditch. "4Lo" range will usually also not let you go more than 15 or 20 m.p.h. on any surface, no matter what. With four-wheel-drive, "4Hi" will normally give you all the driving traction you require. All-wheel-drive usually either has just an on/off switch, or no switch at all, and operates via a viscious clutching mechanism, (never mind, you don't need to get into the details,) or in concert with the ABS and Traction Control systems, delivering power to the wheels that have the best grip. Just keep that whole "you're still not God." mantra in mind.
Keeping all this in mind, those of you in Miami, or Atlanta, or wherever, play by the Yankee rules, and you should minimally be able to keep the shiny side up, and (relatively) dent-free. Take your time, and don't let it get the best of ya.

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