An open letter to my mother:

Thank you for the pictures you sent recently, I enjoyed most of them, anyway. As for the above, have you completely lost your G@#$%&*%-ed MIND?! In a post-9/11, post-Columbine, post-Virginia Tech world, you condone a picture pose that insinuates violence from my 12-year-old daughter?! And this from a woman who purports to be of a generally peaceful intent. Bullsh*t. And yes, dammit, I am conservative. Very much so. I am because I can't even bring myself to watch the news anymore, because inevitably somewhere, sometime, someone's remains surface after they've been killed, butchered and fed to Pit Bulls. If you have no notion that children grow up too fast to begin with, I dare say it's because you were that inattentive in the circumstance of your own children developing.

To the best of my recollection, your oldest daughter's 16th birthday party, the one after which a mysterious daub of peanut butter was found on the fireplace, was barely a blip on the radar with you. My older brother's exploits of staying in his bedroom for days at a time, and doing God-only-knows what else? Same response. And dare I get into the nature of the plants intermingled among the many in the dining room? I thought not. As it is, I don't have the money, the energy or the intent to contest anything with anyone, but, by God, I am NOT happy about this. I bust my a*s trying to set a good example for my daughters, and you insist on this brand of fence-jumping, poorly-reasoned sh*t?! And then you wonder why it is I never seem all that happy to see you. This kinda crap is a big part of the reason why. So once again, thank you for most of the pictures, but this one will be fed to the shredder.