I admit it. The older I get, the more disgusted I'm getting with things in general. I went to a casino for the first time in my life; it smelled like an ashtray, and I failed to really understand the games. Plus, being a control freak, (or maybe just the way I am,) "luck" is an alien concept. I despise guessing games. And, no, frankly, I DON'T wanna know about your fuc*ing politics, I have my own views, thank you very much. I haven't really understood music since the early 90s, cars, well, since I worked on them last, which has been about seven years now. My life has changed so much, my 20-year-old self wouldn't even recognize me, for better or worse. I have more years behind me than I do in front of me. Mostly I'm tired. Really, really, tired. I jumped off a metaphorical cliff having gone to teach for a year in Korea. It went well, mostly. I did good, I loved it, and it changed my life. But I've essentially been watching my father slowly die for eight years now. And still rueing the fact in the blink of an eye, the man I once knew was gone, mostly. I don't know what people think when they see me for the first time, and I wish I did. I feel alien, and, dare I say it, profoundly Jewish, even though I'm not, really. Not by religion, anyway. I hate the fact that my children don't seem to want to know me, at least not right now. I'm tired of waiting, of paying money, waiting for things to change....all the rest of the rubbish. The new age of "knowing people," (social networking, etc.) is alien to me. I suppose there's something to be said for change, sometimes it's good, but generally speaking, the way the world has gotten just seems insane to me. Does it mean anything that I'm blogging about this? It means that print media as I was trained for it, as I knew it.....is gone. If I really have anything to say, this is how I say it, and I know it. I'm tired of the supposedly "entitled", and self-precious sons-of-bitc*es who litter creation and then wonder what the hell the problem is. It couldn't possibly be them, right? Yeah, whatever. I have done what I have done, I have struggled to be of benefit to the world, despite the fact that there are frequent instances where the world doesn't seem to give a sh*t. By the same token, I am lucky. Or blessed. More so than the people who died at 23 from a gunshot to the head. Or died at 38 from a massive heart attack. But I still just don't really "get" the world; and I'm despondent that it's not really going to get any better before I get my first AARP card, which will be in not-that-fuc*ing-long. So, on I will go, and I will continue to try, tired as I am. But I'm telling you right now, when my God comes for me, no matter who He happens to be, I'm not putting up a fight. I have already. In this life.