I now realize the crucial portion of why my voyage to Korea mattered; I have lived a life, for what seems like eons now, devoid of the ability to take pride in myself or my accomplishments. In short, well, I didn't even compromise. I sold myself short of what, perhaps, I was genuinely capable of, and took what was in front of me. And now, at the age of 41, I find myself charged not only with the task of changing my life, but rebuilding, or maybe just building for starters, my self-esteem. A vast portion of my childhood was chaotic, and distinctly un-memorable, and for the most part, a genuine blur. And by the time someone did step in and attempt to make a difference, my taste for rebellion for it's own sake, filled me. It grows sour after a while, though, and you either adapt to the taste, or find yourself wanting to cleanse it from your body and soul, and not being able to. Either way, the end result is always less than you ever could have hoped for. In any event, Korea is still, and always will be, I suppose, something I can point to with pride. Perhaps I have spoken about the feeling that I did make a difference, and it's true. Doing what needs to be done. And the more I think about it, at a certain level, I should be apologizing to my daughters for not having been able to spend that time with them. Of course, there's a LOT of time I haven't been able to spend with them, and hopefully the compensatory function in all this still holds true, that they know the manner in which I would step out for them. The example that I would set in wanting to change. But I'm still battling. And the change has to continue, even if, as it seems, I'm still at the bottom of another valley. Presumably, one though, with a higher possible peak. The sight of it, in my mind's eye, is still scary, probably even scarier than ever before because it is so high. But I'm bolstered by the notion that other teachers, even ones I had no great fondness for myself, said to me, "you can do this job!" and that felt good in sense that did not need to be mitigated, or qualified, except perhaps, to say that I'm a rookie teacher. I'm at the bottom, I've picked my mountain to climb, and I have to do it, because not only will nothing else satisfy me in the same way, but I will project that, through my eyes, my attitude, and the look on my face. And given the nature of getting a job these days, I may not even GET to that square, anywhere, from flipping burgers on up. So the beat goes on. For now, anyway.